Friction

How to piss the world around you off:

Wear your sons expensive baggy getto skater jeans. Then hang out in your son's vicinity. Smile and politely say thank you when complimented on them. Do not change out of them for a week at least. Most important, do not wash them. Sleep in them.

When driving down a dark country lane at night and approached from behind by a fast moving car, obviously the obnoxious teenagers in your neighborhood, slow waaay down. Do not let them pass you by driving your jeep in the center of the road. If you do let them get around you, turn your lights on high beam and ride their ass.

While seated near a family of noisy kids that are too young to sit quietly through a movie without crying at a theater, say nothing to them. Wait until they are on their cell phone after the show is over, and surround the parent with yourself and your well mannered children. All of you then must start then start yelling, "Waa-Waa-Waa-Waa", loudly enough to ruin her conversation and frighten her brats.

Sing out of season highly repetitive Christmas carols at work. Or if you know the lyrics to the Seasme Street diddy, "Ma na min na, be beep, be be beep, ma na min na, be beep be be, ma na min na, be be da beep beep, da beep beep, da beep beep, da be be be be...", in a Grover voice, sing it only once. Co workers will not be able to get the words out of their heads and will be singing all day driving themselves crazy.

When you pull out of the mall parking lot, during the holiday season, late one cold night, after pulling a double shift ringing the salvation army bell, and the local cop pulls you over for a tail light infraction, in the blizzard that caused to to quite for the night, smile as you paw through your billfold with your frozen fingers while you try to find your proof of insurance. Make the creepy donut eater stand and wait in the cold snow as you countless times rifle through your pictures and business cards. Repetedly mutter, "I know I got it here somewhere", but do by no means pull out the card. When the pig has lost all patience and is bouncing on his tip toes to keep warm, smile up at him and say, "Some weather eh". When he stomps back to his cruiser to write you up for no proof of insurance, lean back in your seat, holding your insurance card in one hand on top of the steering wheel. When the officer comes back with your ticket, branish your card and say, "Knew I had it." Smile sweetly as he fumes away with your unsigned ticket.

When the waiter who brings you lunch insists the chocolate syrup that was drizzled over your sauteed veggies is really a balsamic reduction sauce, go ahead and argue. Disagree both times he returns to the kitchen to check. When he finally does concede that yes, Hursheys was used, tell him it was the best part. Eat only the chocolate- leave the rest of your meal. Spell out "condescending ass" out of the uneaten vegetables as a tip.

If your mate repeatedly refuses to pick up his dirty socks off the kitchen floor, do not nag the over worked darling. Instead pick them up for him. Then carry them gingerly out to his work shop before nailing them to the wall.

When your cat is sitting on your lap, make a huffing sound non stop through your open mouth. It must sound like a cross between a labor pain and an orgasm. A little like a rapid dog pant.When kitties eyes get big and black, do not stop. Unless your feline has not been declawed. Not responsible for scars.

If those in your household leave their eye glasses in your space, leave them right where they lay. But use vasaline or a light coating of butter over the lens to encouage their owners to put their spectacles in a safe clean environment.

If a discourteous driver happens to take up more than one parking space, squeeze yourself in as close as you can to his car. Even if you have room on the other side. Must be done on the drivers side so he cannot open his door to get in.

When the neighbor kid calls for the millionth time and asks for your son, do not repeat telling him, no he is not here right now, he will call you back when he is home. Instead, ask who is calling.When he answers Jake, exclaim, "Jake, there's no one named Jake here, what are you calling me for?" Hang up. It will confuse Jake into not calling back.

While walking past the elevator at work while a co-worker is getting on, yell, "Race ya!", and make it look as if you are heading for the stair. They will not get mad for about the three minutes when they realize you are not coming and they wasted time waiting for you to appear on the stairs so they could gloat their victory.

When the carry out boy at the grocery store struggles with your cumbersome bags, ask, "Are those heavy?" Their vanity will not allow them to admit their arms are braking off. When they answer, "No", ask them to carry your purse then too.

If you are female, tuck part of your shirt into the bottom of your bra under the cups. But do not hike it up to show any navel. Just tuck in about a half an inch. It will distract and annoy any males in your viewing range.

Post unrelated comments on other bloggers posts. Go off on a entire different topic. Make your comment longer than their post.

Have a good day eh.